Where Is Matt Cutts in 2016?

Rumors are surrounding the whereabouts of Matt Cutts, the once boisterous director of Spam at Google who acted as part engineer and park spokesman on behalf of Google.  Rumors of his taking leave was in part to a fallout of his marriage, to being recruited by Bing, even assassinated by Rand Fishkin!  One thing Obi Wan and Yoda taught Luke Skywalker was that when the shit hits the fan, you go into hiding.  So where is Matt Cutts and what happened to our Master Jedi?

In reality we have come to find out based on an insider who happens to be disguised as a Google Search employee (really working for the CIA) Cutts role was behind the curtain and what many did not know was to hand pick and manually insert sites that rank on page 1 and after millions of pages and manual work, he got burned out.  Those fancy algorithms we have all come to learn about being mostly named after zoo animals, were imagined and conceptualized after Cutts favorite pets he desired to have and because for Cutts, he felt like a zoo animal himself, locked up in a Google cage having to scrape through data.  Further disclosure confirms that Cutts was required to go through 10,000 sites every 2 hours as part of his job description or face what Google termed "negative reinforcement."  What that means is anybody's idea.

As Seen: Matt Cutts would be rewarded with an Oreo - Reeses
dessert when he did his job right that day.

  

A1 in lock up at a secret Google facility before his escape.

Based on what he liked best he would sort the websites in the SERP while dreaming of dancing with Panda's or ice fishing with Penguins. Eventually he found a way to escape the zoo and go into hiding but this is where the plot thickens.  At a recent SEO Convention the Moz Bot accidentally showed a piece of a map of what is to believed to be Cutts location in front of a large audience.  And Google is now have said to have disbursed their platoon known as The First Enforcers.  Ironically, just a few days ago after a long time away, a new blog arose on Cutt's page speaking of having fixed a Verizon voicemail code issue but if you read the blog based on source code snippets it is in fact an encryption code that contains a message of an awakening.  As any true "Googler" knows, Irina Blok stole the Android idea from Cutts in what equates to a Zuckerburg vs. Winklevoss twins battle, Cutts was the one that helped invent what would become an iconic logo for Google - the Android actual robot, he named it "A1" to help him in his daily routine of scanning and manually inserting pages in Googles search results.  They established a close friendship over the years and it was A1 who helped Cutts escape through systematic and predictive algorithmic mapping leading to a successful escape.  Sources say confirm that A1 was last spotted alone at 21st Amendment drinking beers and meeting with an informant only known as @TheWolfOfSEO.  Further research shows that twitter handle tied to an individual called Graham Ware from Scottsdale, AZ.  Could it be that A1 contains the rest of the map that would help lead to Cutts whereabouts?  The First Enforcers are on a manhunt for the Moz Bot as it seems they want to intercept any intelligence the bot may contain, specifically the portion of the map that was accidentally displayed.  The First Enforcers even took out an add in craigslist seeking bounty hunters to partake in the hunt.    Until then we can only hope that Cutts is doing well and hope he is indeed alive!

An undercover photo of Googles
The First Enforcers